Monday, 25 November 2013

The Apocalypse is Nigh

What do haircuts, untimely snowstorms, the coming of new equipment and time trials have in common? If you know me well you'd probably say: "they are events that you have experienced in the past couple weeks!!!" And you'd be right--but that's beyond the point. What each of these five events have in common is that they are all a sign of the IMMINENCE OF THE APOCALYPSE. Yes, you heard me right. Doubtful? Let me present my arguments.

What drives an individual to get their haircut? Is it the annoyance of having to brush hair out of the way whenever they want a clear view of objects in their sightline? Is it because their hairstyle is starting to look reminiscent of that of some obscure rock group from the late '70s--and the individual happens to not be a fan of rock 'n roll from that era? Is it the simple fact that it pushes their headband higher on their head whenever they want to keep their ears warm?
In reality, the reason for haircuts is SOCIAL CONFORMITY. In turn, social conformity signals a development of a less culturally diverse population, a loss of individuality and, the beginning of humanity's eventual evolution into zombies.
We all know that zombies are part and parcel with the apocalypse.
I've been running back and forth between home and the Nordic Centre since I don't have a car.  The day of the big snowfall it was around -20 C, so I dressed accordingly for my morning commute (and blasted Billy Talent as per usual).

This being my first year in Canmore, I was pleasantly surprised when, contrary to the suggestions of historical meteorological data, we got quite the early-season dump of snow two weekends ago. But, my pleasant-surprisedness quickly turned to dismay when I realized what this early snowfall really symbolized: AN EARLY-SEASON APOCALYPSE. Unseasonal weather phenomena are a sign of climate change and climate change will destabilize the biological systems of us humans, making us more susceptible to the virus that will turn us all into zombies. Zombies signal the apocalypse (see above).
Pretty sweet early season snowfall!

New equipment is required for all those who hope to have a chance of surviving the zombies. Thanks to Swix and Salomon for increasing my chances of survival!!!

Last week I participated in a time trial with my Alberta World Cup Academy teammates. The cool thing about it was that we went off in two mass start waves, with the U23s (myself included) being chased by the older senior athletes, rather than the usual interval start TT format. It was a really good opportunity to work on skiing in a group and practice my mass start tactics and, afterwards, I felt pretty good about the whole experience (if a bit tired). 
Unfortunately, shortly afterwards I realized that maybe this time trial was just our coaches preparing us to outrun zombies. Although I haven't inquired to this end, I expect our coaches have heard news of an incoming zombie epidemic and are training us so that we will outrun the zombies more effectively than the athletes at the other training centres, thus securing our spots for World U23 Championships (you can't race if you're already a zombie, duh). Note that I am not suggesting any similarities between our senior athletes and zombies.

Thus, each of these events is a sign of the imminence of zombies, which, of course, are a sign of the apocalypse. I rest my case....

...although, I suppose these events could also be a sign that race season starts in 5 days.

Race fast and Dream Big, People!!

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